Saturday, May 19, 2012

The Bare Truth

 “When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team.”- George Raveling, Basketball Coach

I read a lot of running magazines, and because I like to read (or at least look at) every page, I get way behind and have this stack that is a perpetual pile of running stuff. Well, I usually quickly and blindly flip through anything that has to do with speed, hills, fartlek, intervals...well, you get the idea. I just read about long and slow stuff because...well, you again get the idea. So, here I am the other day going through an older issue of Trail Runner mag when I come across this article that I was sure was an April Fool's joke. It was titled "Bare nude running in your future?".Ok, #1) we're talking TRAIL running here, and #2) self-explanatory!!!! I mean, this is not a good mental image (No, there are no pictures in the linked article, least not one you can blow up suitably be offended by). But, the thought of running in your birthday suit through sawbriars is not a pretty image. Well, the article wasn't talking about speed work (though High School humor makes "fartlek" come to mind!), so I read the article. I was amazed by the number of nude races and (get this) nude running clubs around the country. I mean, I'm not an Amish Monk who lives in a cave and reads by candlelight, but I was amazed that this stuff is running rampant around the country.There's even a Butts-a-Runnin'-Enterprises Running Series! OK, and I'm not kidding about this - the Events Director is named Gary Butts!!!! I wonder what the Age-Group trophies look like. Surely, they won't get the male and female awards mixed up. And please, no pictures of the Grand masters winners.

I personally have some questions about naked running. For example, how do you... I mean... wouldn’t your... you know... hmm, I’m not quite sure how to ask that one. Does the word "bouncing" come to mind to anybody but me? An easier question perhaps - can you wear running shoes? Where do you carry your keys? Your Gu? What do you pin your bib number to?? Wait, don’t answer that. I’m trying to have this blog be a PG-13 kid friendly blog, but we might have crossed that line already. Gives a whole new meaning to the finish sprint being called "balls-to-the-wall". And this all began with me reading a Trail Running Magazine! When I'm cruising down the trail, I'm afraid a snake may bite me on the leg. I wouldn't go within a mile of a trail if I had to worry about biting me know!!!

Reminds me of an old joke: Ken and Al are in the woods. Ken has to relieve himself next to a tree. While he's doing this, a snake bites him on the end of his manliness:
Ken: Call a doctor. Find out what to do
AL: Hello Doc, my friend was bit by a snake. What should I do?

Doctor: You have to suck the poison out.

Ken: What did the Doctor say?

AL: He said you're gonna die!

Then I saw one sort of related story on the Internet (so it has to be true):

Ever smash your finger while closing a door? It's that pain that you have a microsecond to know what has just happened and the pain that is about to shoot like hot electricity through your whole body. Well my friends, the excruciating pain of a smashed finger is small potatoes compared to the pain suffered by a 73 year old nudist in Florida.

While "Mr. Destiny With Pain" was staying at the RV campground section of the Cypress Cove Nudist Resort near Orlando Florida, the sun worshiper’s slip up almost cost him his junk privates. After backing his small camper into its parking spot at the resort, he and his wife were gathering some things out of the back seats of their car. The man had his arms full and attempted to close the car door by shutting it with his rear end. Ok, there is no way I can begin to describe what happened next, but it has to do with Mr. Destiny swinging his back-end and therefore counter-swinging his front-end. What got caught was not his finger! Just writing this makes me cringe...and I know what I was about to write. I'll bet every male who reads had to sit down and take a deep breath. I'm sure somebody in the ER said "Now, there's something you don't see everyday!". The quote of the year was from our poor victim, "As soon as I shut the door I knew I had messed up in a big way". No kidding Stumpy!! 

OK, I think we've strayed from running topics enough for this week. See what happens when I try to catch up on my reading? No matter what the temperature is, I'll be fully clothed and I'll see you all on the roads - AL

"One child lost is too child saved can change the world"

1 comment:

Yo Momma Runs said...

I was just reading Run! where Dean K. talks about stripping down (with his pacer) during the night portion of some race and running by his fellow racers as if all was totally normal. Maybe as a one-time joke/experience it would be fun, but I would definitely not join a nude running club! I use my running bra and shorts to store all kinds of stuff (phone, gels, keys, food), so I need them.

And we have that same pile of running mags growing at our house, and I don't even subscribe. They're just ones I pick up randomly at the thrift store, which may be worse because I sometimes get four at a time.

And ouch to that last story. We should teach our kids the hazards of too much nudity early in life.